'Tis the season...be nice

'Tis that time of year, packages arriving from near and far. I think it may have been just me, but I think the FedEx guy was a little disappointed when he came to the door again the other day and I answered it. (lol) Girls have such egos, don't we? Ego, self-esteem, obsessions, they are all rolled up together. Take last night for instance, there was a local area event. At this event, for the first time, I layed eyes on Green Eye's ex. Now I know how Green Eye's feels about me, I see how he looks at me, and I love it. The ex and I are polar opposites in looks, but damn those were some big (expensive) boobs. I think only women do this catty thing, what do you think? In my defense, I am a Leo, but now I do feel bad.

I actually just stopped in to update about Green Eyes outings. A successful trip to the mall for my make-up, thank you hon. A nice trip to the nail salon for a pedicure in the new capris, and a picture text to me while I sit sadly at work. Now Green Eye's is happily flip flopping around with smooth feet. This I am seriously jealous about, the boobs don't even compare (lol). Now Green Eye's is ready to get fully dressed and go out together. I was pushing it a little before, but he is having too much fun now. This could work for me too, I suggested we go to the movies. I love going to the movies but GE would prefer to watch a DVD at home. It seems now I might have a girlfriend to go to the movies with. Hmm...what should we see?

P.S. Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas is a Mani-Pedi. I promise to be better next year.
Love, Lynn

Honey...Can you get that

Most mornings these days Green Eyes waits for the last of the kids to leave for school before coming downstairs to have coffee. This way he can lounge a bit before he has to change out of his nightgown. The other morning was the same. The last kid left for the school bus, Green Eyes came down stairs. We had some coffee and then I left him in the dinning room sitting at his laptop to go up to my room. With the kids not home to need me I closed the bedroom door. A couple of minutes later I thought I heard a quiet knock. I figured it was just Green Eyes and I ignored it thinking he would just walk in. Then I looked out the window and saw the FedEx guy walking away from the house. Omg, I had to laugh (let's be clear I am laughing with him not at him). I knew Green Eyes was waiting for an important letter so he must have answered the door. I had to check so I went downstairs and sure enough, Green Eyes answered the door in his nightie (and goatee, lol). He said the FedEx guy didn't even do a double take. So we had a little laugh and a funny story to tell.

The letter was about a new job that Green Eyes will be starting soon. So his "funemployment", as we call it, will be over soon. He wants to take it easy today so he said he is going to get a pedicure, without me! Just to egg him on, not that he needs it, I said "I dare you to wear the new capri pants you just bought." Then I asked him to run an errand at the mall for me...go to the make-up counter and get the eye shadow I am out of please. Again, no real egging need there, lol. I hope he has a fun day, I can't wait to hear...I'm jealous, I want to go to the mall.

First trying on women's clothes in the store this past weekend, then answering the door in a nightie and lot's of potential fun today. I know we will get to that girls' night at the movies sooner than I thought. I'll keep you posted.

p.s. the whole pronoun issue is too much for my brain, when Green Eyes has a goatee and is not totally dressed up he is a he and it is easier for me to write that way. No offense intended to anyone, I know Green Eyes doesn't take any.

Mad as a Hatter?

"But I don't want to go among mad people," Alice remarked

"Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat: "we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad."

"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice

"You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."

I had a peek through the looking glass this weekend (I couldn't resist the pun, please forgive me). A couple I know, rather closely, is going through counseling together. What I heard about it was some of the wife's issues; anger, hanging onto anger, thinking life is just hard and unhappy and that is how it should be. After I held up my share of the speculation, and let's face it gossip about it, I had to do a double take in that looking glass. It was me, and I am mad as a hatter. This wife is exactly like me, as I was few years ago when I was married. It was a difficult decision to end my marriage, but in the end the correct one. It was a difficult road to self discovery and change, but worth it.

Lately I have been hanging out with the Hatter again (one of the reasons for so few posts). Hearing someone describe this couple to me just opened up my eyes. I have fallen back into old patterns. I don't like it and I need to choose to change it, to not get so mad, and when I do to let it go. Do to economic forces Green Eyes and I decided he should move in with me for a while. Well, change can be stressful for me. I think it all reminded me a little too much of when I was an unhappy wife. Next thing you know... down the rabbit hole I go. And let's add to that the monthly hormonal tidal surge, that alone could make you mad as a Hatter who has sniffed too much glue, lol.

This past weekend was calm. With no kids around Green Eyes and I had time to connect. That is the other reason for fewer post, kids. I like to write about the fun we have with cross-dressing. We have not had a chance to have some cross-dressing fun because busy and changing schedules have not left any "kid free" nights or weekends. I have to also admit that when I am mad about something I tend to not even let myself have fun with the things I normally would. And Poor Green Eyes, not only have I been close to certifiable he hasn't had time to relax and lounge around dressed as he pleases.

With no kids and no pressing schedule I suggested we go to the movies, a girls' night at the movies. Greens Eyes was not quite up for that, yet. So we decided to stroll through the mall and do some "window" shopping. We looked for some of the finishing accessories that might make Green Eyes' outfit complete enough to feel confident to go out in. After a brief rest we went out to another store where Green Eyes tried on some women's clothes and made the perfect purchase to go with some new shoes. I found nothing, never shop when the hormonal surge is in, lol. Then with such grey weather around we decided to rent some movies, lounge in our nightgowns and enjoy the peace and quiet of the house. Now when will they all be going off to college so we can do this again?

Anyone else get mad as a hatter? What do you choose to do?

Soapbox

First a little warning, I am going to stand on my soapbox and voice my own thoughts and opinions based on my own experiences. Please take from what you read what you will. I realize there are many different spots along the transgender/cross-dressing line, as well as there are along the...let's call it..."plain gendered" line. With that said I do not intend to offend anyone, if I do I am sorry, I'm just an opinionated genetic girl.

Before I step up on my box I just want to acknowledge that I have not posted in a very long while. I think I intended to write about the fun things in my life, girlfriend of my cross-dressing boyfriend. I hit a very stressful patch, nothing to do with cross-dressing, just life issues everyone faces. I was torn between writing and venting here or not and only keeping things more upbeat. I tend to hold things in so I opted for not writing. Also, some issues did involve Green Eyes and I did not know how he would take to me venting here. Things are slowly getting better, the stress levels are coming down from their peak. So I am back and hopefully not forgotten.

Step up...

I was really drawn back to post something because of some of the things written in the blogs that I follow. You will see them to the left. I follow them very closely even though I rarely post comments. There are some places where cross-dressers and or transgendered people don't appreciate comments from genetic girls, or just ignore them. There is nothing worse for a GG than to be ignored, lol! However, this said, these girls I follow are not like that. They seem truly open and nice, some I have chatted with via email. Petra, Lynn, Jessica and Leslie all seem like wonderful girls...and great guys.

I hope that did not offend anyone. That is how I see these girls I follow. They are both men and women. Sometimes they are men, sometimes women, often a little bit of both. They appreciate and enjoy both genders. This is also how I see my Green Eyes. He is a guy, all guy at times, frustratingly guy at times. He also likes to dress in women's clothing. Sometimes he thinks, feels and emotes more like a woman. I think of him as a cross-dresser, he is happy with his male gender and occasionally exploring the female gender. Hopefully now you know where I speak from.

Lately I have been reading in the blogsphere about troubles between cross-dressers and their wives. This makes me sad and even sometimes mad. For me it is not a big deal that Green Eyes is a cross-dresser. It is something he does, it is part of him, it makes him happy, it is a private thing that does not involve or hurt others. When he told me I was not upset, it was about five months or so into our relationship. I was happy and honored that he was able to share this very private thing with me. I saw the fun we could have with it together. Don't get me wrong, I am not as perfect as I would like to sound. I am just a GG with a wild imagination and uncontrollable hormones, so sometimes I have moments of jealousy that Green Eyes is more into his reflection than me, that its all about shopping for him not me. But I am a GG, I have these feelings when he is doing some "guy" activity and not paying enough attention to me. (I know you love me honey, I just have to make a point, yeah yeah, I also know I always have to make a point, lol)

All of this rambling boils down to a few points. I wish that the wives of these nice cross-dressers would just let go and have some fun with it. If you really do worry about other people it is not difficult to do things privately. It can be a fun and bonding experience to have a secret that just two people share. Relationships, especially marriages, are hard. If you don't have cross-dressing as an issue (and let me be clear, I don't think it should be an issue) you have a million other ones...who is a slob, who is more helpful, who is more attentive... So if your cross-dresser wants to shave, let him, who cares, it is hair, it grows back. Green Eyes has much nicer legs than mine, nicer skin. It makes him happy. Compromise. Green Eyes has a goatee, I love it. Sometimes he shaves it to put on make-up, I have fun with that too, then it grows back. Everyone is happy.

On the flip side of this point, for you cross-dressers, incase you are in man mode and need it spelled out...wives need a lot of attention. No, more than that...no...more. For Green Eyes and myself, we are not married and we do not have kids together, so when he told me I did not worry about him leaving me or our kids. It took some time and small steps to get to know his thoughts on cross-dressing and to go from seeing him in women's panites to the whole wig and make-up. I do know that he is not going to leave me, he is happy with his gender, or rather both genders. He does not want one over the other. That does help to know, as a girlfriend. So cross-dressers (if this is the case), tell your wife often that you are happy as the male they know, and that cross-dressing is just another side of you. Tell them often, we GGs need a lot of reasuring, no more...more.

Wives...lighten up and have some fun. Get dressed up, your husbands truly appreciate this, they are envious of it. Take advantage of the fact that they truly enjoy going shopping with you, they were just pretending they didn't. Have fun together!

Cross-dressers...slow and steady wins the race as they say. We GGs have very fragile egos, and I know you understand that. Plenty of communication about both people. Lastly, buy your wife pretty things too.

It all comes down to moderation in all things.

Step down.

Spread the word ladies, I would like to hear from some wives and GGs.

Lucy, just slightly more sympathetic.

I am an avid web surfer. I love to read blogs and forums. I love to know what other people are thinking. People are fascinating. Way back when, while I was in college I minored in the study of psychology. These days, as I am back in school, I wonder if I should have pursued that farther. Sometimes I think of myself like Lucy, from the Peanuts comic, and wish I could hang up my sign...The Doctor is IN. (if I were more computer savvy I would insert a picture here, lol)

What could be more interesting than human behavior? People are so diverse and yet struggle with the same emotions. It makes me feel good when I can lend an ear to someone and give them a few words to let them know someone is listening and understands. I know how much I appreciate having the ear of a good friend, or a good therapist. Maybe it is just that little thing of feeling you are not alone.

When I am with my Green Eyes I don't feel alone and I like that. Last night, as you followers may realize, was Wednesday Date Night. We decided it would be a stay home night, there is a bit of job stress in the air, and I have studying to keep up with. That is not to say we didn't have a little fun. No cooking for me, we ordered pizza, Sicilian, I am still stuffed (next time we stick to regular pizza)! Then I had to draw the line after the pizza, "no we are not baking brownies, lol". It is too true, the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Thank goodness Green Eyes loves my curves.

After dinner we settled onto the sofa, all comfy in our nighties, together. I had a large text book and Green Eyes had a new pair of really cute pink canvas, sling back, wedges. What is wrong with that picture, lol? I am getting a serious itch to go shoe shopping. But I digress, Green Eyes and I have actually spent the past few evenings together. He has some stress in his life and I am hopefully giving him the ear he needs, and the arms to cuddle with him. It feels good to be able to do that.

Like I said, the Doctor is in...any questions? $0.05 will get you my two cents!

More than friends, Girlfriends.

Do I start with hello to my five followers or do I start with I am sorry that I have not posted in while. I choose both. I would also like to add a big Thank You to Petra, (as you other four girls know) famed writer of the Voyages En Rose blog. Petra noticed my absence from the blogsphere and sent an email asking after me. Besides Petra being a wise woman with thoughtful words I realized she is a friend, my friend, someone that noticed my absence and reached out to me. With renewed inspiration to write and share my thoughts here I am.

Girlfriends seem to be the topic. Just the other day Staci Lana wrote in her blog, Femulate, about girltalk and chatting with women and I started to think about girlfriends. Then Petra's note to me reminded me again about girlfriends. Green Eyes and I had a brief conversation about girlfriends the other day too. I am a big believer in the stars and to me these separate instances add up to a sign telling me to stop and think a minute.

For me, a GG, it is not just friends that are important it is specifically girlfriends. Time with my girlfriends, conversations with my girlfriends renew me. We feed each other the things we need, an ear to listen to our thoughts whether they are serious or silly, words of either complete honesty or unconditional support. Girlfriends put themselves in the moment with each other, the moment could be about make-up or frustrating kids, being there together is what is important. That is what lifts us up. I am greatful for my girlfriends.

I think I may be gaining a new girlfriend, in Green Eyes (this is a bonus, he is a great boyfriend too). This weekend, after too much "life" getting in our way, we spent some quality time together on Sunday, shopping. We have been shopping together before, looking at women's clothes and shoes. Usually Green Eyes hangs back a bit as I bounce around the store touching things and trying shoes on. I know he like women's clothes, but he remains quiet in the store. This weekend we went out in our sort of matching flip flops and matching anklets, silly fun. In the store Green Eyes tried on some shoes and when I held up some clothes I thought would look good for him he joined me in checking them out more closely. We both got some new clothes this time instead of just me. I felt like for the first time we both had a good time.

Green Eyes still asked "Why don't you care that I go out wearing an anklet?" I truly have no other response than "Why should I care?" After a few emails the next day reveiwing our shopping fun Green Eyes wrote to me that it is good to be girlfriends. YES it is! Drop me a line girlfriends, I need to hear from you.

Two for One

Two posts in one day. I feel the need to catch up a little. Vacation is over and life is back in full swing. Back to work and back to school, not just for the kids, I have a class tonight. This is the second class I am taking since starting back for a second degree. I have to confess I am a little nervous. As I flip through my new and obscenely expensive text book, I think this class might be a little harder than Chemistry. I am enjoying going back to school though, using my brain and learning new things.

I am feeling pretty good. I did notice in the past few weeks myself and others (mostly people whose blogs' I read) were feeling rather down. The planets must have been way out of wack for so many to feel the same way at the same time. This Leo does believe in astrology to a fair degree. I feel like my little vacation and getting out of the summer chaos and back into more of a routine has helped me.

Now, back to our regularly scheduled date night, I know we only missed one while I was away. I think because I did relax while I way away I was able to relax last night. Green Eyes and I had no real plans for the evening. Some times I get a little antsy (or maybe more accurately... pouty) if we don't go out. Last night I was happy to stay home and cook dinner. Although Green Eyes did not feel like getting dressed up I decided to. I put on a nice dress, with a nice neckline, and these really sexy high heels I just bought. As much fun as I have been having with Green Eyes' make-up and wig lately it was very nice to have his eyes on me all night last night. They are gorgeous green eyes.

Beach Report

Air Temp - 93F
Water Temp - same
...Welcome to So Fla

Back from the beach I am feeling a bit refreshed and sporting a nice tan. Of course I have to accept that I will never tan as nicely as Green Eyes. And those green eyes stand out even more with a tan. My tan line is sexier though. I had to say it, as Green Eyes knows, I am shamefully competitive about silly things. Who am I kidding, if he could wear what ever he wanted his tan line would be nicer too!

A vacation away from home, even if it is only a few hours away, gives your mind a chance to let go of all the daily responsibilities and thoughts that weigh it down. My little trip allowed me to realize this and do it. While I was away I missed Green Eyes, but it was a good feeling. I did not have that needy feeling. I was feeling good thinking about all of the reasons I love him. Green Eyes often tells me that some anticipation can be a good thing, maybe I need to take his advice a little more often. (p.s.- I know you are reading, don't let that go to your head, lol, XO)

I learned a few other things on this little trip as well. A vacation at the beach is not really complete with out a rum filled frozen drink. Getting stung by a stingray (not me thankfully) is very painful and you really should get medical attention right away, also, soak it in very hot water. A Monopoly game takes three days to finish. Perhaps most important, who you travel with can really make or break your vacation. Note to self...next trip bring Green Eyes.

I only have one head

One head and many hats. Sometimes when you have a lot of different hats to wear in life you wind up needing to wear them simultaneously. That just looks silly, hat on top of hat. It can also feel heavy, the weight of several hats at once. That is how I have felt lately. Funny, that heavy feeling is good for writing poetry, but I need to feel more upbeat to write a blog.

The past couple of weeks have been busy. The mom hat was on with the kids all home from various trips and no camp to keep them busy. The sister and daughter hat were on with my brother visiting. The student hat was on while I studied for a final exam. The girlfriend hat felt like it was at the bottom and slipping and no time for date night while studying.

I had a birthday in the mix of all this too. Being the prideful Leo that I am birthdays mean a lot to me, maybe more than to most. This year's birthday was a bit of a roller coaster, up and down. But another day and I am feeling more upbeat. I got an A in my chemistry class! Hunted down some money my ex owed me. The prospect of a date night. A few days at the beach coming up.

So with only one head what is the best thing to do at these times? Take them all off and put your hair in a ponytail!

Dateline - McDonald’s

No...I meant Date Night. Yes, at McDonald’s. But wait, there is a good reason for it, and Green Eyes was so cute and sincere when we were just about to go into McD’s, “am I really taking you to McDonald’s on Date Night?” To start at the beginning, we had plans to go out for a drink, probably sit at the bar and have a bite to eat too. Then home to have some fun dressing up. We had plans to do the make-up, wig and even a shaved chest for some nice cleavage.

When we plan these evenings I like to step it up too. I make sure I am wearing a nice dress, a little more make-up, high heels, painted toenails, hair down long and straight. I’m ready, but we had to stop at a friend’s to do an errand, which turned into “stay, have a drink”. It was not late when we left and Green Eyes was ready to go out to get something to eat. I am the one that offered up the fast food. I did not want it to get too late to enjoy the rest of our plans for the evening. And hey, it was Wednesday, $0.69 cheeseburgers, how can you pass up the bargain, lol! Green Eyes can put the savings towards the next shoe purchase, like many he is obsessed. So am I for that matter, it makes us a good match, but that is another blog.

Onto part two of our evening, make-up. I am still learning to put make-up on someone else, and still giggling at “stop scrunching up your eyes” and “you’re too tall I can’t reach”. There is better lighting at my place and all of my usual tools and products so I think I did a better job this time. Green Eyes looked good. The eye make-up was less subtle than the first time. When Green Eyes noted that it looked different, I tilted my head, batted my eyelashes and said “yes, does it look familiar”. I did what I know, exactly what I put on myself. Next, what to wear and how to get some cleavage out of that smooth chest.

Dressed in a red dress and black pumps it is time to have some fun and take pictures. Hm…red is not really the best color for Green Eyes. Next outfit! Black pencil skirt (I wish it looked that good on me) and blue top. Those are some nice pictures, but we already have some in that outfit. Next! A new purchase I made for myself. I bought a faux wrap dress in a green, something between an olive and a jewel tone. If it sounds strange it looked great. A deeper color was definitely needed. I took lots of fun and even some risqué pictures. I think Green Eyes was very happy and maybe he will even post a picture somewhere for the first time, we’ll see.

A much needed fun night all around. There are always things to reflect on, reconsider and learn though. I think we need a different color lipstick. Green Eyes does not like that foundation make-up makes him look pale, he likes his tan. Can I tell you how I hate that next to his golden brown legs mine look pasty?! Bronzer for the face maybe? The issue of cleavage definitely needs to be researched. So, there is plenty more fun to be had.


Next week I plan to be relaxing on the beach with kids and family, but sadly not Green Eyes. No date night next Wednesday. Maybe I can step up the tan on my legs though, let’s hope.

A poem

It's such a little thing to weep,

So short a thing to sigh;

And yet by trades the size of these

We men and women die!

Emily Dickinson

I love this poem. I even re-wrote it by hand in my best cursive and have it sitting on my desk at work.

I love men's clothes

When I was a teen some of my favorite clothes were the ones I, let's call it acquired, from my older brother. I had a pair of his jeans that I just loved. They had a button fly, rode a little lower than girls jeans would and they were a little big so I needed a belt. They felt so comfortable and sexy. I also acquired the softest red tank top. I wore them all the time.

Fast forward to this morning. My kids are visiting the Grandparents so I stayed at Green Eyes place. Usually when I spend the night I bring some clothes with me, however not last night. This morning I did not want to put on my clothes from yesterday, so I borrowed some clothes from Green Eyes, girl clothes. A cute little black cotton spaghetti strap casual dress and pink cotton panties. I have borrowed clothes from him before, from guy t-shirts to dresses to underwear.

Unlike my brother who had no clue where his clothes went, Green Eyes knows exactly who walked off with his clothes, and eventually they have to go home to the owner. What I realized today was that, just like my brother's clothes, the clothes that I borrow from Green Eyes are very comfortable. Another aha! moment, men might have something here, buy and wear only comfortable clothes.

I know this may seem like a no brainer. But as GG we are brainwashed that with fashion there comes sacrifice, namely comfort. We all know that if you look good you feel good too. What cross-dressers know is that you need to feel good to look good and feel good. Would any cross-dressing man out there wear panties that were not really comfortable? (thong underwear is a totally separate subject, lol)

What I know now...borrow clothes from Green Eyes, or at least think about whether he would wear it before I buy it.

Chick Flicks

“Why don’t you mind that I like to wear dresses?” This is the question Green Eyes asks me periodically. I have not yet been able to come up with a definitive answer to it. Sure I’d like to pat myself on the back and say it is because I’m an incredibly open minded person. I don’t think that is what he is looking for though. As I dig deeper into my head what comes to mind…chick flicks.

When Green Eyes and I started dating, the first time we decided to eat in and rent a movie, he was in charge of bringing the movie. I told him that other than not liking really sad movies or really gruesome horror movies I was open minded, and that I actually like action movies. Green Eyes brought a chick flick. It was a great choice and we enjoyed it together. I just thought he was being nice. He was nice about everything. We would have long conversations and I could see he was very perceptive and truly listened. He so enjoyed my hair, shoes, clothes and makeup I wore I felt everything from pretty to sexy to appreciated.

In the beginning we often joked about how I behaved like the guy and he behaved like the girl. I preferred the action films, am obsessed about college football, drop my clothes on the bedroom floor, know how to drive manual transmission and snore a tiny bit. But I can cook; write poetry, love high heels and anything pink too. I have always had girl friends but I have always been able to be one of the guys too. I like being a little different. I think I liked that about Green Eyes too. I love that he is a big tall guy that can wrap his arms around me and make me feel safe. He can fix things for me, carry things, and opens the door for me. He also always makes the bed, makes me coffee, and I can see he thinks deeply and feels many emotions.

When Green Eyes finally told me about his cross-dressing, how could I mind? Initially I just smiled about it. I did for a minute think about it from a psychology point of view. I did some reading on-line. I thought about how we both had lost parents of the opposite sex at a young age. It did not seem like something to dwell upon. It is part of him, a fun part. We can shop together, wear cute things together and watch chick flicks. Green Eyes’ appreciation of feminine things reminded me to enjoy them more too.

I say thanks for enjoying the best of both worlds all mixed up together with me. Tonight is another chick flick night!

Maybe it's Mabeline..

Last night, with understandable nervousness, Green Eyes took the plunge and shaved off the goatee so that we could really play with all of the makeup I bought. He had teased me that he would look younger when he finally did it that I would then look like a cougar. Omg, he was right, he did and I do! Those gorgeous eyes remained the same though. I did my best to enhance them with just the right makeup. It is not easy putting makeup on someone that is taller than you, while saying "stay still" and "I won't poke you", but it was a tremendous amount of fun. I am again feeling good that Green Eyes trusted me to do this and share this with him.

When the makeup was complete we added the wig and I think Green Eyes looked great, especially with a smile on. Of course we critiqued the makeup and being this was the first time there are changes we would like to try. The eye makeup was subtle, next time something stronger. I liked the lip color but I think there might be something better, that will depend on the eyes though. Strong eye makeup calls for more subtle lips and vice versa. Green Eyes did great with the mascara for the first time. I think I might like to try fake eyelashes for some extra fun.

All dressed up in a skirt, one that I covet, I took some pictures of Green Eyes. I think we got a few nice shots, even a couple of us girlfriends together. There was talk of accessories and shopping so I think we will be doing this again. All nervousness included I think Green Eyes was happy with the evening, but maybe a little overwhelmed too. I am much better at observation than research, meaning I don't know how to ask questions. I did ask how Greens Eyes felt, a very general question which can be difficult to answer. Hopefully I can find the right questions, and not poke too much while I am observing his quiet reflection.

Musings by me

Mirror

Addiction,

obsession,

desire,

distraction.

Hate yourself,

for every reaction.

Pleasure,

ecstasy,

drama,

pain.

Feel yourself

going insane.

Guilt,

doubt,

judgment,

shame.

Defeat yourself,

by taking the blame.

Laugh,

dream,

hope,

smile.

Help yourself,

find a new style.

This is just that, some musings by me. I like poetry, but have no formal writing education. I sometimes write when I am overwhelmed by emotions. I had not written anything in a very long time, until I found myself going through a divorce a couple of years ago. This was written then. I think poetry and music lyrics are interesting because you can put your own thoughts and life into someone else's words. I rarely share my poetry so be kind, I'm taking a chance here.

Begin at the beginning

It seems like the obvious thing to do, so I will. The beginning, when Green Eyes told me for the first time about his crossdressing. Funny story if you ask me, nerve racking I'm sure if you ask him. One weekend we were just hanging around on the sofa in front of the television, our kids were around but off playing. As I have mentioned we don't always get much time together, and being Green Eyes is an amazing kisser, we were sitting close together, kissing, and I let my hand wander. I was somewhat surprised to feel something very smooth and soft without an opening in the front. Something so much easier to slip under than men's briefs. I did not have much time to explore as we were soon interrupted, so I filed it away for later.

Before I get to later I need to back up. Green Eyes and I had not long before this just professed our love for each other and not long before that had gotten passed a bout of him repeating "when you really get to know me you might not like me". That was driving me crazy, he wouldn't say what he was referring to but was intimating that it was something bad. We finally agreed he would stop saying that until he was actually ready to share. In the meantime I have a fairly fertile imagination so I could not help ponder what this bad thing could be. We both have exes that leave a lot to be desired, so I let my mind wander to the thought that maybe his ex got him so mad he hit her. This was crazy, he is the sweetest person I have met.

Back to the beginning. I start to ponder the smoothness I felt. I have set in my head some negative things about the ex so I think maybe this is some pair of sexy mens underwear purchased by the ex. Being a woman I cannot leave this alone. I must know. Green Eyes and I often email back and forth during the day. I sent an email and asked about the underwear. I got back an email about how he wants to go shoe shopping with me. I am still clueless as to what he means, and say something along the line of "of course you do, you like the way they look on me and want to have me in them." It takes a few more emails for Green Eyes to get through to me that he likes to wear "certain things". Ooooh, light bulb moment. Unfortunately he could not see the big smile on my face. This was actually a great relief to me, that it did not have anything to do with the ex. This to me sounded fun and interesting. More than that though, it felt really good that Green Eyes felt that he could share this very private side of himself with me, and trust me.

That is the story of how this began. The moral of the story is that things are not always as bad as you think.

Date Night or Game Night

I'm sorry, I must start out with an aside to date night. "Ouch!" My ears hurt, or more accurately the holes in my ears. I decided to appreciate my feminine side more (just because I'm a girl doesn't mean I am not multi-sided) by wearing earrings. Since I don't do this very often, it hurts, a lot, and now I have decided I need to wear them all of the time so it does not hurt, but I have to get through the pain and sharing it helps. For any guys that might be reading this, again I'm sorry for the digression. This is an example of how a woman's mind works, it is all over the place, keep up. (omg, or maybe it is just me, poor Green Eyes)

Wednesday night is date night for me and Green Eyes. Everyone knows, don't bother to call me on Wednesday. The one night a week I get to take off my "Mom hat". Life has been too busy lately so this is the first time we were going out for date night in too long. We decided to keep it local and reasonable, but I was still very excited and wanted it to be fun. I got dressed in a nice shirt, with just the right amount of view, took extra time with the makeup and even earrings (see eventually it all comes around, Ouch still). I was ready, but I wanted to add a little more fun.

I got in the car and went to the restaurant we had briefly mentioned, then I sent Green Eyes a text message asking if he was ready. He said yes so I sent another text that said "come find me" and a picture with a hint of where I was. I went in and sat at the bar, ordered a drink and waited. There were only women at the bar, "the game" is to find me and "try" and buy me a drink before someone else does. We have talked about this, but this was the first time we tried it. Next time I will have to pick a different location. It did not really matter, I was so happy when Green Eyes showed up, wearing his green shirt to show off. I had been nervous sitting there alone, but it was exciting too. Two men had sat down at the bar just before he arrived and he said they looked disappointed when he showed up. He knows just what to say to boost a girls ego. We drank, we talked, we ate. It was nice to focus on each other.

I also wanted to meet Green Eyes out and see him coming from a far because I thought he would show up sans goatee. We talked about him shaving so we could use the makeup I bought. He didn't do it though. I'm not totally sure why. I was a little disappointed because I can't wait to do that together, but I do love the goatee, he looks great with it. Then I thought maybe he would do it after dinner when we got home, because I had another present for him, a wig. I tortured him all through dinner telling him about my shopping process for it. We didn't waste too much time and went home to try it on.

Much to my happiness he really liked it. It looked nice. Game night continued with the wig on until we went to sleep. I am still waiting to do the whole makeover, but as Green Eyes has taught me...patience and waiting make the pay off even better. I think games are fun and its important to share some fun together. Wednesdays might need to become Date Night and Game Night.

Develop Yourself

I am a woman, and as such I have an excess of words running around in my head. "Where should I start?" I asked Green Eyes. In his insightful way he answered "I guess you should develop yourself." I thought a while and realized that is exactly what we are doing. We are both 40(ish) and divorced trying to develop ourselves all over again, with work, family, friends and with each other (the fun part).

Green Eyes and I fell in love. I really never expected it, as they say...he swept me off my feet. The secret fun we have together is that he crossdresses. That is the fun part that lead me to want to write a blog. Our lives can get quite busy from day to day, then we don't see each other as much as I would like. Having some free time in front of a computer I started to surf blogs. Since Green Eyes is often on my mind I found some very interesting ones about crossdressing, a couple by girlfriends of crossdressers who are very supportive.

Then, after my last pouty spell about not enough time together when I was finally going to see him I decided I would bring him a present. Something related to crossdressing, because I know that will put a smile on his face and it is something we only share with each other. Every once in a blue moon he mentions makeup but he has not done that in a long time and we have never used makeup together. So that is what I decided to get and searched the store for just the right colors. I have brown eyes, shopping for green eyes is new to me. He was very excited when I gave it to him and it was a relief to see he really liked it. I think I was just as excited, I opened it all up and put it on myself.

After he opened it Green Eyes did have a moment. He said "I don't have anyone to tell." Sharing is exciting. I thought about how I had seen the excitement in the blogs I read. That is the short story of how I came to be here. I am still waiting to get my hands on the makeup and his face, hopefully this week. I'll let you know, if you're reading, and you can see how we develop.